08/27/2017

If I focus only on what I don’t have, what sadness of a life that would be. Moment to moment, aiming for that just beyond reach. Some things have to be of course: a little frustration and a failure here and there keeps one motivated to stand up again after tripping on pride, vanity, or hubris. Whatever my virtues are, these vices prove a constant source for self-improvement.

Combat against my vices have been especially tough of late. Discipline has been lacking – where motivation fails, discipline has to pick up the slack. But when discipline is also absent, then I get what I have been all summer long: a rather slumping slide towards utter inactivity and nil for achievements worth mentioning. Things have been getting better of late, but I can do better still.

I’ve been saying goodbye a lot lately. Mostly to things and objects which I have used as sources of indulgence over these past months. Games, snacks, the occasional side-quest life makes available. Just a few things left here or there. The journey up the hill becomes easier the more weights we remove. I have to find comfort in the movement, should I choose to abandon comfort in the sedentary.

Would have been fun to have you around for the journey. We’d make good life journey companions from what I’ve seen. But hey, that’s the thing about traveling, sometimes people don’t wind up heading in the same direction. I hold out hope our roads will intersect again before too long, but unlike my vices, some things are harder to get a grasp on. Let’s hope then: it doesn’t cost so much between the tired steps along the upward tracks to hope. Bigger miracles have happened – I’m merely asking for a minor unlikelihood.

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08/24/2017

The good:
-I can start to feel the results of my workout. There’s a ways to go, but the steps are taken. A good way of feeding my vanity without being all social media about it.
-Motivation and at least a some action on research. Summer has a way of slowing things down, as does game of thrones, LCS, and soon football season. And slow as pace goes, it’s not zero.
-Maybe it’s the workout. Maybe it’s the progress of everything however slow. Whatever the cause, I’ve been in a happy, positive state of mind.

The bad:
-Job hunt has been super slow. And who knows where I’ll end up, but it seems less likely by the day that here is an option. A humbling experience, if not a frustrating one.
-My pacing is off, my writing is off, but time is short and I need to find that groove sooner rather than later.
-And of course, I miss you much as ever. Platonically and not. I could use one of those effortless two-hour conversations. Hell, I’m smiling right now just recalling vague details about them.

7 days left of this month. Some of those days already accounted for. The rest to tackle my ever-growing list of pains and priorities. Pains, aches, soreness. Still not broken yet. Just self-improve and catch the opportunities present. I’ve had my share of disappointments, but hey, still here, still got me. Not much, relatively speaking, but a start.

531. Sands

Somewhere just beyond the minute’s reach
where splashing waves and shimmers beckon,
that waiting there, held mutual gazes,
we understood without words spoken —

But here, enveloped in a sleepless hour’s hold
where empty airs would wind and circulate,
a thought was free, but lost the same,
what day and dame did not reciprocate.

Notes:
“If only you would know // the things I long to say…”
T: 14

530. Free Association (#03)

Friends
Undulating
Legacy
Keeper
Agonize

Answered
Lovingly
Wish
Attachments
Yesterdays
Soon

Confide
Oblique
Notions
Fire
Indecisive
Dancing
Ached
Nights
Time

Notes:
Such letters, words, as these – at once a collected jumble, and yet containing so much more. Is that the meaning of free association then, for those who can see connections between lists of words?
T: 12

08/09/2017

Some nights such as these, I can’t help but reminisce, and if I reminisce, it wouldn’t have been too long before my thoughts wander ‘round to you eventually. A good place, I might add. A happy one, despite how things played out. I am dually blessed and cursed with a positive disposition, which in this instance could be argued as a blessing.

Tonight, however, I miss the giggle in your laughter. I miss the effortlessness with which we dance and weave in our conversations. I’ve had dates since our last real chat, and let’s just say the difference is like a full moon to a clouded star. With you, I had difficulty ending our conversations; with some certain others, I can barely find a rhythm to start, let alone continue.

We’ve changed quite a bit, haven’t we? You really got into running and anime. I recently got back into working out again and shed the winter pounds. I got a new haircut too, less spiky and more comb-overy…an adulting look I suppose, hah. Your music taste is expansive as ever; my night owl ways are much the same, schedule permitting. I guess our cores are still the same, heh.

It’s been an odd year since you are gone again. Despite that, you’ve never been more present in the undercurrents of my thoughts. Life’s thrown me a couple curveballs since that I would have loved to chat with you about. I’m sure it’d probably done the same for you, which I would be more than happy to listen. But here we are, quiet as the midnight air, those words unspoken…

It does bring me joy though how we picked up so effortlessly last time. Maybe next time will be a bit more permanent. A happy soul can hope, right? Hah. So the saying goes though, “greatness is in knowing that it’s not about you.” I’m only half a story, and eager or willing as I ever am to write some more, we’ll need both of us to put something together. Something fun and charming, with a dash of over-the-top cosmic grandness (because why not). Being light-hearted was always a foundation for us, after all.

527. Matching

Just another drop,
an ocean of leftovers,
collective smiles, sad —

But they rejected too,
companions of this wallow,
stories too well-matched —

Gusts of hurricane,
lashing angry upon sails,
mellowed at the shore.

Notes:
A little different from the usual form for tonight, but a topic otherwise evergreen.
T: 12

526. Shimmer

A figment’s weight is not so much
that moments feel it dragging so,
and yet when daylight’s at a pause,
not all the dark could mask its glow;

Such sound or scent, a briefest hug,
a passing minute of a younger day
would linger in sweet sleep’s reprieve
untethered to our waking ways.

Notes:
But somehow, I prefer the waking world and resist sleep each night…
T: 20

525. Startings

The paths diverged in four:
a leftward to known shores,
a coastal walk of yesterday
your feet well marked before;

A rightward to some distance
unmarked, just rounding river,
and we could but only guess
how salt and fresh life differs;

And two to go, two forwards,
one smoother course well-paved,
where thousands have maintained
from birth unto their graves;

The last, a road up mountain,
at once supreme and solemn,
for few who see from height
return as we once knew them;

And so in dawn light’s blessing,
the pilgrims, paupers, princes, walked.

Notes:
“Oh, if life were made of moments, Even now and then a bad one // But if life were only moments, Then you’d never know you had one.”
T: 33