“Only” took a year and four months, but I think my mentality of you is finally where it needs to be. No denials, no wishing for alternatives, just is what is. Seeing any reminder elicits warmness for a familiar face without the accompanying solemnness. I even manage smiling, occasionally bordering a small laugh!
I miss you now as I would an incognito friend. I miss our seamless conversations flowing like a dance between two hummingbirds midflight. Simply put, I just plain miss you. But I understand where we are at. I wouldn’t say it’s the best of places, yet there is contentment here. Whatever it is you’re up to, I hope you’re happy, healthy, and achieving all you strive for. I know you’d wish the same for me; let’s keep that a secret between us then, yeah? Hah.
Back to the academic fray I go then – back to the chaos born of words and thoughts as I try to level up some more.
Feels good to be productive lately. Feels good in general, despite my lack of milestones…but hey, take the victories where they come. It’s been a year of being a shell, a husk of my own sunlight not shining. There’s still 3.5 months left to be bright and optimistic, to be what I am known for and what I strive to output.
Missed SIOP’s deadline by 20 minutes earlier this week, which sucked. All on me though, the little lapses of discipline of those 4 days leading to, all me and no one else to blame. At least the paper’s written, but that’s of little consolation. Time to look beyond that though; if nothing else, this should be the year where I learn how dull and disappointing dwelling on missed shots can be. Not to mention also largely pointless…
Instead, learn. Learn and don’t ever stop. Use that energy, that frustration, that sadness, use it all as fuel for your sunlight. I know I can contribute to this world, to my own little spot on it, to make what little bit of it better for my own being there. Instead of counting my misses and leaving it there, learn from them and make the next shot count. And the one after, and the one after that.
I get plenty of rest. I don’t need to squander my waking as well. Writing is on hiatus, but I still have writing to contribute elsewhere. And when I pick up the poetry again, I will give my renewed vigor there. Never stop trying. The road to best me is becoming a better me, hour by hour, day by day. And with some luck, I’ll get just enough days and chances to hit new peaks.
What a day that was, productive for all the reasons having naught to do with me it seems. I should be tired, but I’m not. I should be joyous, but there’s just a dullness with a hint of hunger and imminent sleep.
I’ve been denying the inevitable for a bit too long. An excuse here or there to drag out a day otherwise to be spent productively. Vice, it seems, has a way of weaving into habits, and going through the motions by substituting between vices feel almost too comfortable. I’ve even lost weight, which seems odd. Perhaps the erratic schedule is taking its toll, a notion that should bother me far more so than it currently does.
It’s been a long time coming, but I think it’s finally time to shelf some things. Perhaps even this blog. Certainly most things on my laptop. At the very least my daily carousel of distractions. I owe it to myself to write things that needs to be written, not things I’d rather write at the whim of a moment. To move ahead, we have to leave behind. I keep putting some shackles on, as if being shackled by your vices is comfortable. I can’t have that.
Momentary fun has consumed so much of my year already. Suffer for progress then; my internal happiness will catch up sooner or later. I trust myself, yes – now’s the time to put that trust to the test. 3 days. Let’s start with the deadline in 3 days.