Some nights such as these, I can’t help but reminisce, and if I reminisce, it wouldn’t have been too long before my thoughts wander ‘round to you eventually. A good place, I might add. A happy one, despite how things played out. I am dually blessed and cursed with a positive disposition, which in this instance could be argued as a blessing.

Tonight, however, I miss the giggle in your laughter. I miss the effortlessness with which we dance and weave in our conversations. I’ve had dates since our last real chat, and let’s just say the difference is like a full moon to a clouded star. With you, I had difficulty ending our conversations; with some certain others, I can barely find a rhythm to start, let alone continue.

We’ve changed quite a bit, haven’t we? You really got into running and anime. I recently got back into working out again and shed the winter pounds. I got a new haircut too, less spiky and more comb-overy…an adulting look I suppose, hah. Your music taste is expansive as ever; my night owl ways are much the same, schedule permitting. I guess our cores are still the same, heh.

It’s been an odd year since you are gone again. Despite that, you’ve never been more present in the undercurrents of my thoughts. Life’s thrown me a couple curveballs since that I would have loved to chat with you about. I’m sure it’d probably done the same for you, which I would be more than happy to listen. But here we are, quiet as the midnight air, those words unspoken…

It does bring me joy though how we picked up so effortlessly last time. Maybe next time will be a bit more permanent. A happy soul can hope, right? Hah. So the saying goes though, “greatness is in knowing that it’s not about you.” I’m only half a story, and eager or willing as I ever am to write some more, we’ll need both of us to put something together. Something fun and charming, with a dash of over-the-top cosmic grandness (because why not). Being light-hearted was always a foundation for us, after all.


It’s amazing how fast break ended, how fast 2015 came and went. I’ll be 27 come Monday midnight, another year and gray hair added. So close to that Ph.D. title, yet the ending will be drawn out if my discipline’s not established and maintained…

I had 3 words for 2015’s resolution: rebuild, attain, succeed. How did each stack up? Rebuilding efforts were mostly naught, though some small glimmers of progress recently might motivate me to try a bit harder once I return to Chicago. My mile time must be a disgrace, assuming I can even make it that far nowadays with dignity. Attain fared better. New apartment and roommate, new job, completed thesis, passed comps and just one step to go to complete the doctorate. Succeed was also largely a success: 2 posters accepted, 1 pub under review, reconnected with some friends I have not seen in far too long (and awaiting hopeful for another). The biggest failure was my inability to finish the one-year poetry project, with 39 left to go. If nothing else, I should attempt to wrap that up before January ends.

Overall, 2015 was a fantastic year. I can only hope 2016 continues the trend of each year being better than before (with an exception here and there). There’s much work to be done, and I am willing. With that said, we now need a new theme for the coming year. In line with my desires to develop, let’s make the year about Nourishing: Create, Sustain, Transcend. Create new works, new research, new relationships. Sustain the body, mental well-being, the bonds with others. Transcend my vices and become a better me.

Somewhere in all this I should make a certain vow to never stay up past a certain hour. The night-owl life comes too easily. I should also make a greater habit of using this blog, be it for creative sessions or just as a means to reflect on life more often. It’s healthy to have reminders of where we started and where we’ve managed to grow towards. Despite all my jest of being old, I still got an abundance of youth in me yet.

Perhaps this would be a good place to start drafts for the “Things I’m Learning” series. Maybe I can make a habit of revising older works as well. Some gems lie in the rough (oh so many roughs) that with some polishing could do good. And speaking of good…I should remind myself more often of the good opportunities I’ve encountered and always to make the most of what I have. We can’t after all ask for more if we don’t make use of what we’ve got.


It has been some days now since I last created a diary entry. A new year has started. My 26th birthday came and passed. Life has been enjoyable these past days during break: family, friends, the dogs. The great many individuals who make life worth living, a few of whom I have not seen in far too long. And then there are those with whom words, and only words, will ever be the culmination of our attempts. It saddens me more than it should. After all, life carries on without them – these non-vital roles, however pleasant or charming or indulging. It is a greedy, selfish heart I have, even if the intention is to share the love. What if they don’t want my love? That is their right to feel so.

A new year it is now however, and that deserves a reflection of last year’s progress and a planning for this one. First, last year: overall, 2014 worked out stellar. Unlike 2013, which was largely disappointing, 2014 treated me quite well. I made progress on key milestones in graduate school, started this daily poetry project (though a bit behind still from that lull during finals week), reconnected with some people I have not talked to for long periods of time (though not her…), etc. I’ve watched some close to me gone through growth of their own. While 2014 did not contain good fortunes for all, it certainly contained good moments for myself, and that is a blessing to be thankful for. One less-than-stellar part of 2014 was my increasingly unhealthy diet and sedentary grad-school habits. While I’ve gained little weight worth noting, I can definitely feel the loss of energy, muscle mass, etc. In that regard, 2014’s theme “renewal” was not completely successful. I renewed external relationships and forgo taking care of my body.

2015 then: commitment. The biggest commitment is to strengthen myself again. An agile mind with a decrepit body will not do. I have seized many good opportunities that came my way last year. I will do the same this year: a good commitment to keep. One of my bigger asset in life is the implicit trust I hold for myself. That must be utilized to its fullest advantage if 2015 is to outdo 2014. And there is no reason why it shouldn’t. Adversity will present itself, but nothing ambition and resolve can’t handle. If I hold any conviction, that would be it: we are capable.


“Beggars do not envy millionaires, though of course they will envy other beggars who are more successful.” ~Bertrand Russell

Deep wisdom? Or shallow observation? It certainly makes sense to me. The question is: does it matter? My judgment so far is no, probably not. I maximize my odds with my given hand. Sometimes, the hands have a 0% win rate. To play or to throw the cards on the table. The game happens either way.


A theme has clouded most of my writing this past year. A yearning for something beyond the current condition. I have it rather good right now: a good path in grad school, a good prospect, a decent living standard compared to last semester (though I did splurged more than I should have, given conditions). I made peace with certain elements of my recent past, all of course but the one person who remains the subject of much poetic lamentations. More than anything, I wish that story had a better ending. The last chapter should be something more than blank pages…

But I’ve slowly realized too how strange said reunion might come to be. I’ve changed much since those fateful texts and that terrible meeting. No doubt she has as well. Some days I wish we could share these heart-to-hearts again. I won’t lie to her and say that my eyes will remain chaste (they never could). What does she look like now? Some days it pains me that I do not know.

Life is great, but it could be that much greater. If I could have my fate foretold, would you be there at the edge of all?

It’s so funny how much pain you’ve seen me bear for that one. She has resigned herself a footnote in our tale. You on the other hand…

“2 bottles for 3 people”

Every so often I come across a beautiful specimen of thought, so filled with a certain truism and wisdom about life:

“People think they don’t understand math, but it’s all about how you explain it to them. If you ask a drunkard what number is larger, 2/3 or 3/5, he won’t be able to tell you. But if you rephrase the question: what is better, 2 bottles of vodka for 3 people or 3 bottles of vodka for 5 people, he will tell you right away: 2 bottles for 3 people, of course.”

Love & Math: The Heart of Hidden Reality by Edward Frenkel, p. 6


Blue is such a desperate color.

Feeling blue and wanting to feel anything else but that. Externally quiet and virtually undetectable, but behind closed doors an intense longing to escape the isolation. I could just sleep it away until sunlight and once again don the bright and happy cloak. It works too, at least until the doors close once again. I am so free to come and go, but this prison follows…

Blue is such a hopeful color.

1 month 3 days ago — I wouldn’t call it “fell in love,” but certainly neighbors that. The knee-height blue dress that adorned her is seared brighter in my mind than any flame has ever done. The joy that lit her face when she danced…the hug goodbye. One could hope of distant future days when hugs mean something more. 2014 is a hopeful year, after all.

Blue. It’s a hell of a color, and she a hell of a girl.