I borrow from a debt deferred,
whose time comes unannounced,
but such its paltry interest
that hardly did I doubt
a splurging day or week of treats
those sleepless nights didn’t count —
And such has grown its toll in light
that no swindler could conceive,
yet old a tale as debt to self,
it never fails to bring new griefs.
Fight for today then; that’s my next play until I get to where I need to be.
Cozy is the privileged view
of snow beyond the window,
serene the afternoon
with sips of tea too mellow,
from such a dimming day
would sigh to rest encumbered
watching safely in the warmth,
both shielded and yet hollow.
One day at a time. 4 hours still at least. I have only myself to excuse.
Knowledge is cumulative; that much I know. A piece here, a piece there, and soon the puzzle builds upon itself and I reap the high of that discovery. And though there will always be more to learn, each acquisition brings a joy, however fleeting and momentary – the sensation that indeed, we can learn it all, know it all, feel a part of it all.
But then, there lies the crushing downfall too. There are pieces I am missing. Pieces I can’t access. It’s not the 999 pieces already in place that counts, it’s just that last thousandth. Why does completeness matter so to me? Can’t I find satisfaction in the overwhelming rest?
Maybe it’s for the better I do not know. After all, what would knowing what I don’t right now for that one puzzle achieve? Other puzzles wait ahead. But hell, nostalgia is a force too strong, a mystery too compelling to outright dismiss even as I pretend otherwise.
This is sounding too much of a jumbled mess. My eyes are giving in to slumber. Perhaps pick up the pondering train on the other side of consciousness…as if I could do otherwise.
Boy, vacations of the mind sure have a habit of going extended, don’t they? Two weeks of productivity, and two weeks of utter zilch in output. I could value consistency on principle, but living that concept has been a personal failure…
Good news is, I have good news to be cheerful for, not least of which is a new position on the horizon. In a funny way, I am right back to where I started last October, almost to a tee. The difference this time I suppose is one more year of age and wisdom (presumably), one more year of distance from…you know, and one year closer to getting over myself and finishing my degree. I meet in myself my toughest adversary: and since we’re equally skilled, it’s been a hell of a challenge to surpass.
Other good news…let’s see. I’m back to being my jolly self 90% of the time. It’s supposedly a perk, so I gotta make the most of it. Maybe find a way to bottle it and save some for those darker clouds passing by every so often.
Goal from now till November: get that first draft in. Nothing else matters. Nothing. Not even if the confidant returns…okay, well maybe I’ll spare a day on that, but just one. October has that extra 31st day for a reason, does it not? Hah.
“Only” took a year and four months, but I think my mentality of you is finally where it needs to be. No denials, no wishing for alternatives, just is what is. Seeing any reminder elicits warmness for a familiar face without the accompanying solemnness. I even manage smiling, occasionally bordering a small laugh!
I miss you now as I would an incognito friend. I miss our seamless conversations flowing like a dance between two hummingbirds midflight. Simply put, I just plain miss you. But I understand where we are at. I wouldn’t say it’s the best of places, yet there is contentment here. Whatever it is you’re up to, I hope you’re happy, healthy, and achieving all you strive for. I know you’d wish the same for me; let’s keep that a secret between us then, yeah? Hah.
Back to the academic fray I go then – back to the chaos born of words and thoughts as I try to level up some more.
Feels good to be productive lately. Feels good in general, despite my lack of milestones…but hey, take the victories where they come. It’s been a year of being a shell, a husk of my own sunlight not shining. There’s still 3.5 months left to be bright and optimistic, to be what I am known for and what I strive to output.
Missed SIOP’s deadline by 20 minutes earlier this week, which sucked. All on me though, the little lapses of discipline of those 4 days leading to, all me and no one else to blame. At least the paper’s written, but that’s of little consolation. Time to look beyond that though; if nothing else, this should be the year where I learn how dull and disappointing dwelling on missed shots can be. Not to mention also largely pointless…
Instead, learn. Learn and don’t ever stop. Use that energy, that frustration, that sadness, use it all as fuel for your sunlight. I know I can contribute to this world, to my own little spot on it, to make what little bit of it better for my own being there. Instead of counting my misses and leaving it there, learn from them and make the next shot count. And the one after, and the one after that.
I get plenty of rest. I don’t need to squander my waking as well. Writing is on hiatus, but I still have writing to contribute elsewhere. And when I pick up the poetry again, I will give my renewed vigor there. Never stop trying. The road to best me is becoming a better me, hour by hour, day by day. And with some luck, I’ll get just enough days and chances to hit new peaks.
What a day that was, productive for all the reasons having naught to do with me it seems. I should be tired, but I’m not. I should be joyous, but there’s just a dullness with a hint of hunger and imminent sleep.
I’ve been denying the inevitable for a bit too long. An excuse here or there to drag out a day otherwise to be spent productively. Vice, it seems, has a way of weaving into habits, and going through the motions by substituting between vices feel almost too comfortable. I’ve even lost weight, which seems odd. Perhaps the erratic schedule is taking its toll, a notion that should bother me far more so than it currently does.
It’s been a long time coming, but I think it’s finally time to shelf some things. Perhaps even this blog. Certainly most things on my laptop. At the very least my daily carousel of distractions. I owe it to myself to write things that needs to be written, not things I’d rather write at the whim of a moment. To move ahead, we have to leave behind. I keep putting some shackles on, as if being shackled by your vices is comfortable. I can’t have that.
Momentary fun has consumed so much of my year already. Suffer for progress then; my internal happiness will catch up sooner or later. I trust myself, yes – now’s the time to put that trust to the test. 3 days. Let’s start with the deadline in 3 days.
If I focus only on what I don’t have, what sadness of a life that would be. Moment to moment, aiming for that just beyond reach. Some things have to be of course: a little frustration and a failure here and there keeps one motivated to stand up again after tripping on pride, vanity, or hubris. Whatever my virtues are, these vices prove a constant source for self-improvement.
Combat against my vices have been especially tough of late. Discipline has been lacking – where motivation fails, discipline has to pick up the slack. But when discipline is also absent, then I get what I have been all summer long: a rather slumping slide towards utter inactivity and nil for achievements worth mentioning. Things have been getting better of late, but I can do better still.
I’ve been saying goodbye a lot lately. Mostly to things and objects which I have used as sources of indulgence over these past months. Games, snacks, the occasional side-quest life makes available. Just a few things left here or there. The journey up the hill becomes easier the more weights we remove. I have to find comfort in the movement, should I choose to abandon comfort in the sedentary.
Would have been fun to have you around for the journey. We’d make good life journey companions from what I’ve seen. But hey, that’s the thing about traveling, sometimes people don’t wind up heading in the same direction. I hold out hope our roads will intersect again before too long, but unlike my vices, some things are harder to get a grasp on. Let’s hope then: it doesn’t cost so much between the tired steps along the upward tracks to hope. Bigger miracles have happened – I’m merely asking for a minor unlikelihood.
-I can start to feel the results of my workout. There’s a ways to go, but the steps are taken. A good way of feeding my vanity without being all social media about it.
-Motivation and at least a some action on research. Summer has a way of slowing things down, as does game of thrones, LCS, and soon football season. And slow as pace goes, it’s not zero.
-Maybe it’s the workout. Maybe it’s the progress of everything however slow. Whatever the cause, I’ve been in a happy, positive state of mind.
-Job hunt has been super slow. And who knows where I’ll end up, but it seems less likely by the day that here is an option. A humbling experience, if not a frustrating one.
-My pacing is off, my writing is off, but time is short and I need to find that groove sooner rather than later.
-And of course, I miss you much as ever. Platonically and not. I could use one of those effortless two-hour conversations. Hell, I’m smiling right now just recalling vague details about them.
7 days left of this month. Some of those days already accounted for. The rest to tackle my ever-growing list of pains and priorities. Pains, aches, soreness. Still not broken yet. Just self-improve and catch the opportunities present. I’ve had my share of disappointments, but hey, still here, still got me. Not much, relatively speaking, but a start.
Somewhere just beyond the minute’s reach
where splashing waves and shimmers beckon,
that waiting there, held mutual gazes,
we understood without words spoken —
But here, enveloped in a sleepless hour’s hold
where empty airs would wind and circulate,
a thought was free, but lost the same,
what day and dame did not reciprocate.
“If only you would know // the things I long to say…”